


smoking indoors is a habit you need to shake

by jordankennedy



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: 80s Archive Staff, Gen, Stoner Elias Bouchard, asked myself “what if they were friends before elias got jonah’d?” and this is the result, elias and michael are around the same age but michael’s a bit younger, michael miiighhtt have a crush on elias if you squint but you didn’t hear that from me, this is so incredibly stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:22:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27686882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jordankennedy/pseuds/jordankennedy
Summary: Finding Elias stoned out of his mind was a fairly common occurrence. While it wasn’t so bad if he arrived like this, it was a problem if he was doing it on the job. It was dangerous— what if something caught fire? Michael just couldn’t see why Elias was risking the safety of everyone just for weed.—incredibly stupid and lighthearted fic because i have 80s elias and michael brainrot
Relationships: Elias Bouchard & Michael Shelley
Kudos: 44





	smoking indoors is a habit you need to shake

“C’mon, Mikey, you gotta try it!”

Michael frowned disapprovingly. Finding Elias stoned out of his mind was a fairly common occurrence. While it wasn’t so bad if he arrived like this, it was a problem if he was doing it on the job. It was dangerous— what if something caught fire? Michael just couldn’t see why Elias was risking the safety of everyone just for weed. 

“Not in artifact storage, Elias,” he said, completely ignoring the offer. “You know you shouldn’t be doing this here! Have you even thought about what might happen if you damage something?”

“Have you even thought about what might happen if you damage something?,” Elias repeated back mockingly. “It’s not that big of a deal, mate. Half the shit in here is trash anyways.”

Oh, that was it. Michael was a patient man, but this was just ridiculous. He made a grab for the half-smoked blunt in Elias’ hand, only for the shorter man to pull away right before he could grab it. Michael made another grab, and this process went on for far too long. It eventually progressed into them having a very sad excuse of a fight. That is to say, Michael had gotten Elias’ arms behind his back, and Elias was trying to struggle out of his grasp. He sure did know where to aim his elbows, but Michael managed not to let go. (Even if they did hurt. Elias was the boniest man he knew).

And of course, there was the arguing.

“Maybe if you were responsible—”

“I am plenty responsible, Mikey, you just need to calm down!”

Michael rolled his eyes hard enough to kill a lesser man. “You used a statement to make a blunt once!”

Elias huffed and jabbed his elbow directly into Michael’s ribs. Ouch. “All I got was a warning.”

“All I got was a warning,” Michael repeated back in a very familiar tone. “What if you get- get fired someday? Did you ever think of that?”

Elias’ silence spoke volumes.

“That’s what I thought. Now if you’re done being dramatic, then I—”

“Let me go, you asshole!”

Elias hit just the wrong spot, and Michael promptly keeled over on the ground. The shorter man, unfortunately, did not make it out of his grasp on time. Elias landed on top of him, which probably felt better than landing on the hard floor. It didn’t feel that nice for Michael though. Elias had half the mind to get up and move after about a full minute, but instead of fucking off like normal, he sat atop Michael’s stomach.

“You alright, mate?”

“I’d be better if I didn’t have your bony ass digging into my stomach,” Michael grumbled. Most of the pain from the elbow to the groin had faded, but Michael was still sore over it in more ways than one.

Elias patted his cheek, which promptly made Michael go red with embarrassment. Elias smirked. Stupid, cocky bastard…

“You’re lucky we didn’t break anything,” Michael muttered. He was vaguely aware of the rare and expensive things behind him. 

“Again, it’s all just trash, mate. Do you really think that we’d miss a bowl if it—?”

He was cut off by someone clearing their throat. Dread settled in the pit of Michael’s stomach. He snapped his head to look at the source of the noise and— oh no, of course it was Gertrude. Michael’s blush turned several shades darker.

“I do hope I’m not interrupting anything.” Her tone was lighter than usual. It was like she was almost amused.

“Miss Robinson!” Michael said, his voice raised by a good few octaves.

“Hi Gertrude,” Elias said, seemingly unbothered.

“Are you boys going to explain what all of this is?” she asked. Gertrude crossed her arms. “Surely, you don’t get paid to…”

“Wasn’t like that,” Elias shrugged. “Michael’s too scared to even think about fooling around on the job.”

“Elias was smoking in here again.”

Elias smacked him upside the head. Ow. “Snitch!”

Gertrude shook her head. “Mr. Bouchard, we’ve already had a discussion about this. I don’t want to have to have another one.” She paused. “And you still haven’t explained why you’re on top of Michael.”

It was at this point, Michael covered his face. He couldn’t stand to look Gertrude in the eye like this. Which definitely didn’t help either of them in this situation. He peeked up at Elias through his fingers, and no, no, why was he blushing? Michael was mortified. This was giving Gertrude all of the wrong ideas for sure. Elias’ previous statement about this whole situation was rapidly losing credibility.

“Well, you see, Michael here is just a tad clumsy. You know how he is, yeah?” Michael wondered if Elias could be a worse liar if he tried. “He tripped and fell and tried to grab on to my arm, but then he pulled me down with him.”

“And that is why you’re still sat on his chest?” Gertrude sounded wholly unconvinced. Go figure.

“Uh, it did happen only a few minutes ago,” Michael offered, finally finding it in himself to uncover his face. He still couldn’t look Gertrude in the eye, but at least he was trying. “He wouldn’t have had much time to recover..?”

“I see. Well, if that’s all, I’ll get going.” Gertrude sighed. “Do try to keep whatever this is private next time.”

And just like that, she was gone. Neither of them spoke for a long time. That had to have been the most embarrassing thing to happen to Michael ever. Why couldn’t it have been Eric? At least he’d just tease them and then forget about it by next week. Why did it have to be Gertrude? He’d rather take another elbow to the groin than deal with that again.

“Reckon she thinks we’re a couple now, eh Mikey?”

“Gee, I wonder why!” Michael groaned and covered his face again. “You’re something else. ‘Just a tad clumsy’...”

Elias snorted. “Well you are, aren’t you?”

“That’s not the point! You’re an awful liar, she didn’t even believe you!”

“Better than admitting the truth.” Finally, Elias got up and off of him. Michael heaved a sigh of relief. He couldn’t be relieved for long because Elias took it upon himself to try and hoist Michael up without warning. It was a bit of a disaster, but Michael managed not to fall again, so overall it was a success. He brushed himself off, shooting a glare at Elias.

“If this happens again, I’ll—”

“Oh, calm down.” Elias hooked his arm through Michael’s. Michael fought off the urge to push him away. “As long as you don’t try to pull a stunt like that again, it won’t!”

Michael rolled his eyes. He started to walk out of artifact storage, half dragging Elias along with him. “Maybe you should smoke at home instead so I don’t have to.”

“Where’s the fun in that? It’s no fun doing it alone.” He paused, and Michael could almost see the gears turning in his head. “You know, you could always take me up on that offer.”

“Would you just shut the fuck up?”

**Author's Note:**

> hiii hope you enjoyed this! kudos and comments appreciated!
> 
> you can find me on tumblr @transgunpowdertim


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